I mentally put myself through hell the first year after discovering our son's addiction. I riddled myself with guilt and blame. I then learned of the 3 C's, and for the past 4 months I have been more gentle with myself. But, I'd still like a do-over in raising said son. I know I shouldn't want what I can't have, but I do. I'm not going back to the place of blame, but boy would it be easy... Just like the addict relapsing...
I have reason for these feelings. I received a phone call from son's ex-girlfriend. She's about 3 months clean. She was calling because she heard about FIL passing away. Come to think of it, I'd like a do-over with this phone call too, because I should have thanked her and excused myself right off the phone- that would have been the healthy thing for me to do. Instead, I stayed on long enough for her to ask me if I've heard from son. She said she saw him about 2 weeks ago. I take most of what she says with a grain of salt. However, one thing stuck out. She said that she thinks he likes this lifestyle. I asked her to be more specific and she said, "Oh, you know- the running around, going here, going there and living on the edge."
I received total clarity on the fact that this is how our son was from day ONE. Never content, always on to the next thing before the first thing was finished, somewhat liking danger, etc. So, while I don't blame myself directly for his drug use, I blame myself for always trying to change who he was and I think that he must have not always felt safe to be himself. Or, he must have felt like I always disapproved of him. Even though it wasn't "him," but his behavior that I disapproved of, I'm not sure I made that clear to him.
That's why I'd like a do-over. To hug him more, to tell him he's wonderful, to spend more time with him.
I wonder if it's true, I wonder if he really does like his current lifestyle? I didn't think he did, but maybe I'm wrong.
I really don't want to wonder about these things. I don't want my head filled with things I have no control over. I don't want to speculate or awfulize.
I think blogging is helping me. I don't want a do-over after all. That would be too much work, and who's to say I wouldn't screw up the second time around anyway?! Life isn't about perfection, it's about experience, living, loving and forgiving.
I forgive myself for not being the perfect mom.
2 weeks ago