Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I've been contemplating...

I have to start out by saying that all along, our son has always been respectful, in spite of his addiction. In fact, I know he doesn't come around when he's using because he is filled with shame and guilt. I think these are also the reasons he doesn't ask us for help. He's always been strong willed and I think that he'd like to show us that he can quit on his own. I could be wrong about all this, but he is, after all, my son.

Since we moved him out of our rental house 3 months ago, we've seen him twice and he's called about 4 times. The first time that we saw him, we tracked him down through phone calls and just showed up at the house he was at and took him to lunch. After lunch we asked if he wanted to come home with us, or if he wanted us to drop him back off where he was staying. He said that he wanted to come home, but wanted to feel better first. It was obvious during lunch that he was not high(either trying to quit again, or just in between fixes, as he was flu-like) The other time we saw him, he came over to visit with us before we went out of state for my FIL's funeral. This time he had slightly heavy eyelids, but other than that, his behavior was totally fine. He always tears up/cries as we are saying our good-byes. Hubby and I always tell him we love him and that we are here for him to help him in anyway. He always says, "I know, thank you."

The part I'd like feedback on is this, we get the itch to go find him when we haven't heard from him. Is it wrong to go searching? I don't mean to the point of insanity where we are obsessed with finding him. But is it okay, if we get a lead, to go find him so we can hug him and tell him we love him, take him to lunch if he wants? I know there is no right or wrong, but I'd like input. I've heard it said that sometimes addicts need to feel that they are alone and have NO ONE before seeking help, but, I don't know...

Thanks for reading,


  1. Just my opinion, I'd find him and let him know he is welcome to continue contact and that you would like to at least stay a part of his life using or not. Then to a degree, it is his move. I would not abandon him.

    I don't disagree that sometimes they have to hit bottom but who knows what bottom is for each individual.

    As parents it is impossible for us to know at times if it is enabling or love. Right or wrong I don't know but for myself I will always error on the side of love.

    Hey, but why take my advice. You read my blog and it ain't a bed of roses doing it my way either. ;-)

  2. I don't think it's wrong to see him, feed him, give him a hug and tell him you want him better.

    Does that make you happy and fulfilled? Does it keep him using? Are you enabling him TO use by doing this? Those are the questions you must ask yourself.

    Your first priority should be you - and living a healthy life. If seeing him to show him your love does not detract you from this course you can be certain you are doing the right thing.

  3. I don't have experience with this one, but I don't see how finding your son and letting him know that you are still there for him could hurt. At least when he is ready to work on his sobriety he will know that he will have two loving and supportive parents to help him. It has to mean something always knowing where home is.

  4. I don't know the answer but have heard many in Al-Anon talk about their insanity of trying to find the alcoholic who is out drinking. I am sure that you've told your son you love him many times and that he knows where to come if he wants help. I understand that I am powerless over others. I will not repeat my insanity of looking for my wife during the drinking years. It made her crazy and it made me crazier.

  5. I do think there is nothing wrong in finding him. At least that way he continues to know he is loved. Just don't make a scene when you find him and he's high or strung out. That would push him away. Be as normal as you can, casual even.

    fishy x

  6. He knows he can turn to you when and if he wants help, he knows that you love him...but with that said, we all have to come to the place of changing our own behaviors in our time. When it feels right. There were many times I went searching....I was compelled and I wouldn't have had peace any other way then by feeling like *I* was doing everything humanly possible. Now when I get to that place, I have other resources, other tools that I use to manage those situations. I can let her go and let her behaviors be her's, the consequences belong to her. Its not easy and there is always a painful nick in my heart that won't heal...but she knows if she wants help all she has to do is call. We will do what we can. Its hard. And I don't walk in this perfectly. I have my moments of panic but now before I react, I can work through them to some degree. Pray pray pray....and I will too. ((HUG))

  7. This is a great question and I don't feel qualified to answer it. I like all the answers above even though some of them contradict each other. I think I would experiment with NOT looking for him next time the mood strikes and see what happens...

  8. Until you get it figured out (in time), do what is in your heart to do.

    The benefit of AlAnon for me was I quit second guessing myself and I learned to listen to my own inner voice about my situation.

  9. I'd like to find you and hug you and tell you that I love you, take you to lunch. . .

    Bless you.

  10. Bless all of your lovely hearts, you guys really came through for me and I love you for it. Each reply had something unique and I have a feeling I'll be re-reading them for a long time coming. A lot of food for thought and good reminders.

    Will I go searching? Not right now. For now, I'm good. I feel peace.

    Thanks again, you guys are great!
    P.S.~ Leslie, I'll give you my address! ; )
    Seriously, that was such a sweet thing to say and it brought tears to my eyes...

  11. I saw my son walking down the street the other day...with his guitar and his messenger bag full of clothes. I picked him up and took him to lunch. Bought him a bottle of water when I dropped him off.

    It's all I can do for him for now. I don't think it's enabling. It's feeding him. It's letting him know that I AM HERE, no matter what. And I'll always love him.