Friday, June 26, 2009

He's in!

I'm simply exhausted. But, I wanted to thank each of you for your support and give an update before I head to bed.

We made it to the recovery center, with son using in the gas station bathroom on our way down. Then I have the pleasure of watching him nod off in the back seat, as we start our 6 hour drive south. I could see him in my rear view mirror. I thought I was going to throw up.

Let me back up...

We had our 3rd and final court date that morning at 8AM. We had also gone the 2 days before, so let's just say the guy who does security before you enter the courtroom, was becoming our friend. This was our life for 3 days. And, when we weren't at court, we were on high alert to make sure son was "okay," and not getting in trouble or leaving our sight, except for when he was attending AA meetings.

So, the judge gives us the okay to go to recovery and thanks us, in front of everyone, for being there for our son and tells son he better not mess up, or it's jail. He tells my son to work recovery and to stop self medicating himself.

It was about 10 minutes later that we stop for gas and son is taking forever in the bathroom. I drove away from the pump and over in front of the bathroom and told my husband to go check on him. He knocks on the door and son says, "I'm almost done, Dad." My husband walks over to my window and I told him that I feel like calling the cops and telling them to come get him- I am done. I look up at my husband and he has tears in his eyes. We look at each other and we are lost. We are helpless. We have one goal and that's to get our son into rehab. We are both worn down, confused, angry, sad, hurting, and sick to our stomachs. We tell each other to stay strong. Son comes out and we are on our way. No conversation in the car and this is when I look at him in my rear view mirror and see that he's nodded off. I turn up the music and just keep driving and ask God to give me peace, I just want to feel peace.

Son wakes up about an hour later and is very pleasant. You'd think we were a family headed off to vacation. I relish in the normalcy. It's all I have for this moment.

Blocks away from the recovery center and son is adamant about stopping at a gas station. I'm still driving, so I say no. I tell him he will wait till our destination and use their bathroom. "But, I have to smoke a cigarette," he pleads. I tell him I'm not stopping. I could feel his panic. He must have had drugs still on him. I didn't care at this point. We arrive, meet everyone and I remind son that he had to go to the bathroom. He goes, and comes back out within a normal time period. So, he either flushed whatever he had left or had it hidden. I alerted the staff that he used on the way down and possibly had something on him. They told me not to worry, they deal with this daily and they gave us big hugs and told us to go home and relax, and finally get some sleep.

The goodbye with our son was pretty brief. Tears, but brief. I told him to do this for himself and that I love him more than he'll ever know. Husband hugged him next and I didn't think he'd ever let go. It's funny how intertwined in all of this mess, our roles sometimes reverse. Usually my husband is the rock of all rocks. He still is, but I realize that this has brought him to his knees, on many levels and sometimes I need to be the rock.

We drove away feeling relief. Had great conversation all the way home. Everything felt okay. Husband, as usual, went to bed first. I walk in an hour later, feeling fine, climb in bed and the floodgates open. I couldn't stop crying. I was sad for my son and his life. Husband understood my tears, but reminded me that the alternative for our son was jail- and he was right.

I told myself that my son was exactly where he needed to be and I needed to be thankful. There is no contact for the first 30 days, which will be good for all of us. We all need time...


  1. You and your husband are obviously two very precious people. I have lived through my own daughter's death many times. She has not died, but I lived in so much fear for her life that I'm sure my body didn't know the difference. My husband and I were beat down, worn out, used up and blown away. The human body isn't built for this kind of stress. But, God is. Fear not. There is no other Rock, I know not any. (Isaiah 44:8). Bless you, praise Him, He's moving in your son's life, trust Him.

  2. I am so glad you were able to get him where he needed to be. Take these next 30 days to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. Relax & recuperate. One day at a time. Breathe in and breathe out. Many times I have to remind myself of that! :-) I am thinking of all of you.

  3. Yes, it's a relief to have them in a treatment center. They get the tools, a chance to be sober and hopefully choose it. Meanwhile, if you're at a loss of what to do, Gin is right, relax and recuperate. Do one thing at a time and focus on yourselves, your sons life is in his hands now. Myself, I sought out Al Anon, thank God, as I was a tough cookie and don't think I would've found recovery on my own. Hugs to you.

  4. It is your time to be with each other. He is in a safe place. Go to your safe place, have a good cry, have a good laugh and hold each other tight and it is OK to be able to not let go of each other for a long time.

    At least that works pretty for Mom and I.

  5. Oh goodness, this is heartbreaking. I hope you can find some peace during the no-contact period. God bless you both.

  6. I just want to say I have felt your pain. Never give up hope.

  7. This could be a chapter in my book of many times but thankfully, for 30 days, you have time to tend to your own heart..and let God do what your son will let Him do in his life.

    God's love poured out all over all of you....


  8. Is this a lock down facility? If not, take every minute of peace you can get.
    I would feel a lot better about him staying if it was his decision, not the courts. Hopefully, he will prove me wrong!

    I understand about your husband. I watched my husband curl up in the fetal position, and just sob. It was horrible. As horrible as actually catching your child with a needle in their arm.

    Take care of yourselves. This stress can manifest in all kinds of illness in a few years.

    And know that you are not alone.

  9. I also have that you will get the rest that you need. And maybe there can be some healing for yourselves. Life one day at a time is what I've learned. I have no other choice. Hang in there. Take care of yourselves. Your son is where he needs to be now.

  10. You never know, this may be the time it takes, It took my daugher alot of jail time getting kicked out of here numerous times and 2 stays in rehab! She is now 8 months clean and has gotten her GED. There is hope for all and prayer are all around for you and for him! Rest while you can, I know that while they are in jail is the time to rest and rejuvinate! wishing you the best!!

  11. I am behind in reading your blog--and a few others.
    How my heart goes out to you, my friend. How well do I recall the drive to my son's treatment center 2 hours north of where we live. My son was loaded when we picked him up from his dad's house. My son was popping pills, I am sure. At that point, I didn't care. I knew he was headed to a treatment center.
    My son says he doesn't remember the drive up there. How my heart ached when you described the goodbye. These are all familiar feelings.

    I am so thankful that your son is away from where we live (Chai and I are neighbors). They need to be as far removed as they can, from their connections.

    Enjoy your safe place. It's good to cry and let it all out. This is very painful. I hope, that one day, your son will see the pain he's brought into your lives. For now, he needs to detox and it's will be tough.

    I hope you are attending classes on addiction. My son's treatment center had them, and we traveled four weeks in a row to sit in 4 hour long classes. It was so worth it! It gave us a chance to talk to other addicts and their families.

    God bless you, my friend.


  12. what more can i say but congratulations, i am glad you made it prayers for you guys happy fourth of july!!