Wow. I cannot believe that it's been over 4 months since I've blogged here! Summer has been busy, a lot of time spent at our cabin, which I'm ever so thankful to have. It's our slice of heaven and feel blessed that I can escape up there, when I'm not working, of course!
I feel like my recovery has been going well and I'm feeling strong. But, today I just feel pissed, pardon my french. I didn't want to make this post all about my son, because in my recovery I work hard to take the focus off of him an onto myself. But then again, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him- so I will always have something to say about him!
First of all, I love him to pieces. Always have, always will. I am not angry at him today, I'm angry at addiction. I've been angry at addiction before-nothing new there.
Son had to leave his rehab because he started taking valium to help him sleep at night. So, he's back in our hometown, staying with someone- he didn't tell me who it is and now it's been a week since I've heard from him. All signs that he's back on heroin.
The past few months I was used to people asking how he was doing and I would always respond by how he was doing when I last saw him- which was usually that he was doing good, but ended by saying, "we take it one day at a time." So, it's not that I had high expectations, or that I'm shocked that he relapsed. I'm just so damn sick of his addiction keeping him from us and keeping him from a happy, healthy, productive life. It pisses me off that he'll always be one stinking lousy decision away from destruction, jail, prison or death. It sucks that as his family we have to prepare ourselves for that awful phone call.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'll continue my weekly Nar-Anon meetings and reaching out to others when I need to. Maybe after I'm done being pissed I'll have a good cry.
I wish love and strength to all of you in the same boat. I also wish the same to anyone struggling with addiction, I can only imagine your pain.
I just wish that I could wish it all away...
5 days ago