Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Need to vent

Wow. I cannot believe that it's been over 4 months since I've blogged here! Summer has been busy, a lot of time spent at our cabin, which I'm ever so thankful to have. It's our slice of heaven and feel blessed that I can escape up there, when I'm not working, of course!

I feel like my recovery has been going well and I'm feeling strong. But, today I just feel pissed, pardon my french. I didn't want to make this post all about my son, because in my recovery I work hard to take the focus off of him an onto myself. But then again, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him- so I will always have something to say about him!

First of all, I love him to pieces. Always have, always will. I am not angry at him today, I'm angry at addiction. I've been angry at addiction before-nothing new there.

Son had to leave his rehab because he started taking valium to help him sleep at night. So, he's back in our hometown, staying with someone- he didn't tell me who it is and now it's been a week since I've heard from him. All signs that he's back on heroin.

The past few months I was used to people asking how he was doing and I would always respond by how he was doing when I last saw him- which was usually that he was doing good, but ended by saying, "we take it one day at a time." So, it's not that I had high expectations, or that I'm shocked that he relapsed. I'm just so damn sick of his addiction keeping him from us and keeping him from a happy, healthy, productive life. It pisses me off that he'll always be one stinking lousy decision away from destruction, jail, prison or death. It sucks that as his family we have to prepare ourselves for that awful phone call.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll continue my weekly Nar-Anon meetings and reaching out to others when I need to. Maybe after I'm done being pissed I'll have a good cry.

I wish love and strength to all of you in the same boat. I also wish the same to anyone struggling with addiction, I can only imagine your pain.

I just wish that I could wish it all away...


  1. I'm so sorry that you needed to vent, but I'm really happy that you came here to do so. I was rewriting my prayer list this weekend; and there you were...and I took a moment to wonder how you were doing.

    I'm glad the summer overall has gone well; and that you have a place to relax and recharge. And I know you will keep loving your son and hating addiction which is the exact right approach. You are awesome! I will continue to have you in my thoughts and my prayers.

  2. Thank you Lisa! You and your son are always in my prayers too. Glad we're in the same state, but wish we lived close enough to visit!

  3. I'm wishing along with you. I've been checking in over the summer and am glad you updated even if the news stinks. Have that cry, you'll feel better.
    Keeping you in my prayers

  4. It was nice to see you on my post today. Thank you for the kind words about my has been a difficult roller coaster. I guess grief is another one of those things that you just deal with a day at a time.

    I'm sorry for you about your son. There is nothing worse than knowing your child is behaving in a way that might actually kill them. We've spoken before about the fact that I had a few years waiting for the phone to ring as well, even without drugs as a factor. Sometimes the phone did ring, sometimes the doorbell. We were lucky that it was either the police saying he was in trouble or someone saying he owed money...but, we never knew what the next call would bring. People would tell us just to "write him off" and while we did do the tough love thing, cut him off financially and even let him sleep in his car for a can't cut off the fear, anxiety and the fact that no matter how much you might not like them at the love them. It is torture and I'm so very sorry that it is how your family has to live day to day. I'm glad you have people who understand that can support you. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

  5. Its so good to "see you", I got excited when I saw a comment from you. Your cabin sounds like a wonderful haven to get away to.

    Blogs are for venting when needed so I am glad you stopped by here to update us. Its just so difficult. I don't know if it ever really ends :(

  6. Thank you, Carolyn, I'll be sure to check out your blog too!

    Thanks, Sue. I do remember you sharing about the years you worried about your son. Thank you for understanding and being supportive!

    Hi Barbara!! As I said to Lisa- I wish we lived closer! Would be fun to meet you wonderful ladies in person. Maybe one day. Until then, we are still connected....

  7. You haven't been blogging, but you are one of the "original" ones I found when I started last fall. Therefore, you are on my prayer list and every morning I pray for "Chai Latte and her son". I appreciate the update to know more specifically where prayers are needed.
    Although my heart goes out to your son, I am glad to hear about your personal progress in recovery.
    God bless.

  8. Thank you, Heather's Mom! You and your daughter are always in my prayers as well! I hope to return to blogging in the near future, but regardless, I think of everyone here often...

  9. Venting is good for me as long as I don't stay sunk in self-pity. I do my best to move on, take my own inventory, and look at what I am doing and what my choices are. Good to see you back posting.

  10. ChaiLatte,

    I'm so sorry to hear of the "ups and downs." It is so hard.

    Know that you are in our prayers!

    Sorry I have been scarce . . . been working on my book. Just finished and got it off to the publisher! Should be available sometime this fall.


  11. I know it's been a while since you wrote this post, but fearing for my son's life is exactly where I am now. I was just browsing through your blog... I'm so glad to see that your son has been home for three weeks! I pray that things continue to go well for you : )
    We just asked our son to leave again yesterday. It's not fair that we have to live in this pain... my heart hurts, but I can not enable him in any way! Your blog is encouraging...
    Thank you.