Hurting Parents~Addicted Son

Peace! I feel peace....

2011-08-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

I came to my blog today thinking I should update, and I have a "Prayer For Today" widget at the top- here's what it said:

"Lord, may I remember that a setback does not mean utter defeat, but a mere retreat to store up strength and win the battle!" ~ My Prayer For Today

I just love it. Applies to both my son and myself as we each continue on these journeys we call life! I think the reason this prayer caught my attention is that it's been my prayer for my son this time around (and forever) that should he relapse-he seeks the help he needs instead of his usual pattern of falling deeper into the pit. For myself, if I feel old habits and anxieties start to creep in, I know what to do to get myself back on track of healthy thinking.

My son has been home for 3 weeks now, and doing really well. Things feel different this time. His actions are different. It is so darn awesome to be around him when he's sober! I have no false hopes or expectations, I live my life one day at a time. I'm so thankful for my time spent in the rooms of Nar-Anon Family Groups, ever grateful for my faith in God.

So, we will keep on keepin' on!
Blessings to all!

This will be quick

2011-06-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Almost 3 months since my last post?! Unbelievable...

Not much to report. Life is good!

Son has about a month and a half left in jail. His plan as of now is outpatient, meetings and therapy. I think I mentioned before that he will have a PO this time, something he's never had before. He wants to work with my husband again, not sure if that will happen or not. Not sure where he will live yet. I know many will say he shouldn't live with us (I am one of those "many") but I do believe there is a fine line between enabling and supporting. Oh well, enough of that, I want to enjoy my last month and half before I have to make hard decisions!

Love, Hugs & Prayers to ALL of you reading!

Sentencing Next Month

2011-03-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

At last Wednesday's court date (the one we couldn't stay for) 5 out of the 6 charges were dropped- so I think it will be a year in County Jail. But we won't know for sure until April 13th- his next court date. He called the other night and said the day he gets out of jail he'd like to go straight to the airport and head out of state, to where we have family (we've offered in the past for him to go to rehab back there). This is the first time he's mentioned it on his own- maybe he's finally realizing he can't keep going back to the same playground if he truly wants to stay clean. Don't know if he'd even be allowed to go to out of state rehab, but I'm glad he's even considering it.

Court

2011-03-10T13:24:00.001-08:00

I did go to my son's court date yesterday, on my lunch hour. But, we didn't get to hear/see his case. They did one case and then took a break. We waited for 20 minutes, then I had to get back to work. But, mission accomplished for me- I was able to see my son and he was able to see his mom and dad show up for him...

As far as I know his sentencing is tomorrow, but I can't go to that as it's in the morning. Not sure if hubby will go or not. I will be praying for God's will...

Court tomorrow

2011-03-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

I talked to my son this evening- was nice to hear his voice, he sounds good. My husband visited him over the weekend, I was out of town.

Public Defender visited son today and she said absolute worst case is that he gets 3 years in prison. Or, he might get 1 year in County Jail and 3-5 years probation. He's not eligible for court ordered rehab or drug court, due to his 3 thefts over the 3 years. He's already served jail time for past 2 thefts, so I'm not sure how all that works...

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I don't think he's sentenced until his Friday court date. Not sure if I will go tomorrow or not. I'm finding that I'm a bit torn between letting him deal with all this on his own, or showing up for support.

I'll sleep on it and decide in the morning...

Welcome to prison...

2011-02-25T13:56:00.001-08:00

Haven't heard from my son, but a friend of his called and he was picked up last night (caught shoplifting), and then they searched the motel room and found it all! His first felony(s).....

Heart still breaks

2011-02-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

My son is still out on his own, and still using. We see him a few times a month and he recently came by to visit his Grandma who was here from out of state. He is currently staying at a local motel and he does odd jobs to just get by. He called this morning to ask if I needed my car washed, or anything else done around the house because he needed to pay for his room by 11AM today. I told him I would talk to his Dad and call him back. I didn't really need to talk to my husband, but I just needed time to think... I chickened out and sent him a text rather than call him, and told him that I didn't have any work for him- but that I will always give him a ride to a shelter, a rehab, or take him to eat. He texted me back, "Ok. Thanks Mom, I love you too."

I can't stop crying. I don't regret what I did. My heart just simply is still breaking over his addiction....

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and let you know that you and your families are always included in my general thoughts and prayers- even though I'm not very active in my blogging. I will be forever grateful for "meeting" all of you here, following your stories, and receiving your support! I spent many dark, dark moments logging on here, and always left feeling less alone and also hopeful- hopeful that I could have a happy life once again. I can honestly say that my life is filled with happiness!

My son will join us for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Is he clean? I don't know and I try to not make it my business. We see him once or twice a month. He doesn't ask us for anything, nor do we give him anything- other than hugs, love and respect. We have created clear boundaries and he doesn't question them. He has been in 3 rehabs in the past 4 years, he has the tools, and he knows where to go for help. He knows that we support his sobriety. We will never stop praying for his sobriety. We will also continue living healthy, happy and full lives- regardless of his choices.

May we all be abundantly blessed with love and peace, not just tomorrow, but every day! ~C

Glorious Day!

2010-08-22T18:07:00.001-07:00

Just spent the last 4 hours with my son, on his birthday! It was a most glorious day, in so many ways and I'm feeling very thankful to God for making this day so special!

Birthday & Books

2010-08-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Today is my son's 23rd birthday. Not sure if I'll see him today or not, but he did come to my other son's 21st birthday party last week. It was great to see him! We do keep in touch through phone calls and texts, mostly texts. But, I was still happy that he made the effort to be with us on his brother's birthday. He has also been reaching out to other family members (my brother and sister) by calling them. That's pretty huge in my book and I'm happy to see that change in him. I do not get my hopes up about anything, nor do I have expectations, but I enjoy seeing some changes in my son that show me he is reaching out.

Books. I've read several books on addiction, some very excellent and helpful ones. However, someone just gave me their copy of Stay Close, by Libby Cataldi. I adore this book and I'm so thankful she wrote it. As a parent, I could relate. She has battled cancer, I have too (although a different kind). She also has 2 sons, one addicted and one not- something else I related to. Libby talks about her denial, horror, shame, confusion, enabling, etc... She makes it clear that she will never fully understand addiction, but her book is very informative and she learned how to have compassion for her son, stay close to her son, yet not enable her son. I highly recommend this book.

Libby's son is doing very well today, but she says something about there not being a finish line in addiction, what a true statement...

Need to vent

2010-08-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

Wow. I cannot believe that it's been over 4 months since I've blogged here! Summer has been busy, a lot of time spent at our cabin, which I'm ever so thankful to have. It's our slice of heaven and feel blessed that I can escape up there, when I'm not working, of course!

I feel like my recovery has been going well and I'm feeling strong. But, today I just feel pissed, pardon my french. I didn't want to make this post all about my son, because in my recovery I work hard to take the focus off of him an onto myself. But then again, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him- so I will always have something to say about him!

First of all, I love him to pieces. Always have, always will. I am not angry at him today, I'm angry at addiction. I've been angry at addiction before-nothing new there.

Son had to leave his rehab because he started taking valium to help him sleep at night. So, he's back in our hometown, staying with someone- he didn't tell me who it is and now it's been a week since I've heard from him. All signs that he's back on heroin.

The past few months I was used to people asking how he was doing and I would always respond by how he was doing when I last saw him- which was usually that he was doing good, but ended by saying, "we take it one day at a time." So, it's not that I had high expectations, or that I'm shocked that he relapsed. I'm just so damn sick of his addiction keeping him from us and keeping him from a happy, healthy, productive life. It pisses me off that he'll always be one stinking lousy decision away from destruction, jail, prison or death. It sucks that as his family we have to prepare ourselves for that awful phone call.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll continue my weekly Nar-Anon meetings and reaching out to others when I need to. Maybe after I'm done being pissed I'll have a good cry.

I wish love and strength to all of you in the same boat. I also wish the same to anyone struggling with addiction, I can only imagine your pain.

I just wish that I could wish it all away...

Update

2010-03-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my son went into another inpatient program. This is his 3rd one in 2 or 3 years- I honestly am not keeping track of dates anymore. Seems when I do, it's a reflection of how I focus more on him than on me. So, for today, he's in a program and I'm thankful, very thankful.

This time is different- for me. It's not like, "Oh no, he relapsed again." The truth is he never stopped using from his last relapse. The truth is my son is a heroin addict and will struggle with it for the rest of his life. The truth is that he can get clean. The truth is that he may continue using. The truth is I cannot control or influence which path he chooses. I will always pray for him and his sobriety.

I still read all of your blogs and pray for you and your loved ones daily. I hope other parents and loved ones continue to "stumble" across our blogging community the way that I did and gain the knowledge and strength that I have- from all of you. While I would still say that having an addicted child is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I can also say that I have found happiness again- whether my son is clean or not. It's definitely a process and I'm still working it. But, I'm happy with the progress I've made. I do attend Nar-Anon family groups and we'll attend the family support groups that this current rehab offers too, but I'm not addicted to attending meetings either. I just do what I feel helps me and what I feel is right. There is no right or wrong, and I no longer let what others do influence what's best for me in my recovery. I am growing.

Happy Spring! I always associate Spring with new beginnings and I pray that we all see each day as a new beginning.

God Bless us all,
~ChaiLatte

Out of the loop

2010-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

I feel out of the loop, of my own doing...

I don't even know where to begin.

Son is still living with us, since the week before Christmas.

Son #2 moved back home. We are a family of 4 again.

We've had some great times this past month, for which I'm very thankful.

Today son asked for $20, and I said no. That's the short version.

I held my ground and I'm proud of myself for that- it wasn't easy.

I hope to get back to blogging soon...

But, for now, I will end with things I love, (not in order)

I love my job
I love my co-workers
I love my clients
I love my husband
I love my sons
I love all of my family
I love my friends
I love nar-anon
I love God
I love my progress
I love the sound of rain (even tho I should be tired of it by now)
I love our dog
I love that my mom instilled the power of prayer and I miss her dearly

I hate addiction, but the things and people I love outweigh my hate.

Hesitation

2009-12-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

I hesitate to blog, but I'm going to anyway.

My son came home last night! His voice on the phone is always music to my ears and hugging him is even better- I'm sorry but I just can't help but love on him. I stand 5'9", but my hubby and sons are all 6'3-ish. They all hug good and I feel like everything is right in the world while in their arms.

My son wants to "try and do the right thing again." I know he wants help, I hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. BUT......... I also know the pull of addiction. We've been down this road before. He'll be great for about 4 days, then things will get too rough for him (cravings) and he'll most likely bolt.

The difference this time is I'm not trying to fix him, I'm not worried that what I say or don't say will influence his sobriety. I don't feel that panic. I'm just enjoying these few days with him, however long they will last. We are going up to our cabin for Christmas, so he'll be with us for a week, but once we return back here he may just take off again.

Thank you all so much for your comments. Here's hoping we all have a magical Christmas and a most blessed New Year with lots of great things to come for us and our loved ones.

My Cat

2009-12-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

Most of you can relate to the fog that we sometimes find ourselves in when dealing with addiction in our families. Some days I feel really on top of my game and other days, not so much. For the most part I'm doing well and attending meetings weekly.

I'll share a little story...

The other day I was doing something in the backyard and saw our cat heading towards me, he was coming from the woods. I called his name and opened the gate for him. He was coming towards me with gusto and enthusiasm, when something distracted him and he didn't even stop and contemplate me any further, he just changed his path and appeared to be on a mission- in the opposite direction. I stood there with the gate still open, feeling sad because basically our cat never comes "home," anymore.

We did a major remodel a year ago, I moved up to our cabin during this time and hubby pretty much lived in the remodel mess. Needless to say, the noise of the building didn't sit real well with our cat and he was soon spending time at the neighbor's house. The neighbor and I talked and she was happy to have him there. He's always been an independent cat and I really didn't stress about the matter.

Fast forward 6 months, the remodel done- and countless times we've tried to get our cat to come into the house and he's not taking to it! I was heart broken and guess what? Being the good codie that I am, I felt extremely guilty that my cat no longer had a home. But, he did have a home, he just wasn't interested in being there!

Back to the other day as I stood there holding the gate open for my cat to, once again, come home- I felt the tears well up, not for my beloved cat so much, but for my son. You see, my son has also returned "home," but will not actually "come home." He's been in our town since Thanksgiving and we haven't heard from him since his car ride up here on the 24th. We just assumed we'd be seeing him. I've seen some activity on a social networking site, so I know he's still here. I just miss him. I'm not taking it personal that he's not seeing us, I know his addiction is keeping him from us.

Just like my cat, my son has always been easily distracted from the path he needs to be on...

Son Called

2009-11-15T15:45:00.000-08:00

We were out running errands, to take our minds off of our current situation, and our son called. Very thankful to hear his voice. He is, indeed, staying with the friend that he knows down there. As I said earlier, that's not a good thing. But, obviously my son isn't capable of making good decisions right now. I'm always praying for that to change. I pray for God to literally change my son's brain chemistry... Even before drugs, his thinking/thought process was "off." I don't think I can articulate what I mean by that, but it's something I noticed about him at a very young age.

Anyway... I'm not certain what his plan is. He says he wants to try and get into a rehab closer to home, but sadly, I don't believe that's what he really wants. He just thinks it's what I want to hear. Or, he may want it deep down inside, but right now his addiction is bigger than him. He didn't ask for us to come pick him up. He said he was going to try and take the bus up here. I'm afraid that he'll just hang with this friend until he gets in trouble, or.... ????

It all just exhausts the heck out of me. Our younger son is home for a visit, so we're trying to just enjoy our time with him and not let other son intrude on that. I also have my Nar-Anon meeting tomorrow night and have already spoken with a few of my friends from my Mom's Group- it all helps- as did Sherry, PG, and Lisa's comments. It helps to not feel alone, and it helps to know that other people truly understand the awful feelings that come about from having a child addicted.

Thank you and God Bless Us All.

Left Rehab

2009-11-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

Oh gosh. Our son left rehab yesterday afternoon and we don't know where he is. It's amazing how strong you can feel and all the work you can do, and in one split second all the old feelings and worries come back.

Apparently he was drinking, denied it at first, but then admitted it. The reason he told them he was leaving is that he didn't want to start back at square one. He had 140 days in rehab, with a relapse at day 85 and now again. He's obviously struggling with sobriety.

As his parents, we could sense something- restlessness? Maybe just the desire to use was getting stronger for him. Knowing his personality, we believed it was boredom setting in, as they have no physical outlet/exercise at his rehab and his job search entailed taking the bus downtown and walking up and down the same main street applying for jobs. That alone sounds depressing to me.

He knows one person down there (he's 6 hrs. south of where we live)and that person is someone who went through the same rehab, but is now living on his own and I believe using- as he was involved in my son's earlier relapse. I've called and left a message with that person asking him to please call if knows where our son is.

I just want to hear his voice. I just pray he doesn't use to the point of overdosing. I'm just scared. I know this is his recovery, his journey, I know I can't make him get and stay sober, I know I'm powerless. But, I also know that for today, I'm a worried sick mother.

If you pray, please pray for my son and his safety. Thank you so very much...

Quick Update

2009-11-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

We saw our son 2 weekends ago, and had a great visit. But, we always have great visits. We talked a little bit about his relapse, but not a lot. I am no longer thinking too far in the future. I've come a long way with my expectations. He was doing great the day I saw him, and that's all I know. I rely on God every second of the day to give me strength to take care of myself and to be the person He wants me to be. I praise God for the peace I feel today.

Please visit Heathersmom, you'll see her on my blog list. I wish her, and all of you, the very best in the healing of our kids/spouses/selves as we deal with the insidious disease of addiction.

Expectations

2009-10-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since I last blogged. Once again, all of your comments were very meaningful to me and they gave me the strength I needed. I so appreciate all of you.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting this month. I now realize how high my expectations were for my son- that was evident in my feelings when he relapsed. I've been working on having hope, but not expectations. Sometimes it feels like a gray area, but I think I'm getting it... I also had to deal with my anger- that one surprised me- but it did surface. My roller coaster of emotions after his relapse proved to me how co-dependent I still am. I have not fully detached. I'm still a work in progress!

Son's house manager said he was going to be more hands on with our son. He said that they all let their guard down because he was doing so well. This is not to blame them whatsoever, but I liked hearing that they'll be more hands on with him. Son has chosen to stay there for another 90 days, which we are very thankful for! I'd like to see it stretched to a year, if possible. I just think with his age, the longer in recovery the better.

We get to see our son this Sunday. It's been 10 weeks since we've seen him. His 30 days aren't quite up, but they made an exception as they feel we are important to his recovery. My husband has been writing son a letter almost every single night. I think it's good therapy for my husband and we've been told that son lights up from all the mail he gets.

I thank God for how He continues to work in my life. His grace amazes me!

It happened...

2009-09-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

He relapsed. 85 days in recovery, and he's now back to square one.

I'm too tired to blog my thoughts. Plus, you all know how I feel. Sad, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, confused, and so on... But, you know what? I'm also thankful for a few things- like the fact that he was not home when he relapsed, and that he came clean to his house manager about relapsing, and I'm thankful that he's safe.

I will not give up hope and I will never give up on my son. I will, however, work on taking things one day at a time, maybe it will soften the next blow. To me, it's like hearing a loved one's cancer has come back- you always know it's a possibility but you're still devastated to hear that it's actually happened. There's no way around that.

Thanks for listening and thank you for all your last comments- I so appreciate the support, input and sharing from all of you- it helps- A LOT.

Brothers

2009-09-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

Last weekend my two sons got together and spent the whole weekend together. This feels like progress. They haven't spent that much time together for over a year. I am proud of myself- I only texted one time- just to make sure #1 son arrived. I will admit that I picked up my phone 3 more times over the weekend to call and see how they were doing, but I didn't call- I let them be.

Other good news, son has decided to stay with the program for another 30 days. He's already moved into another house with more privileges. Next step is a job... kind of hard to do without a phone and vehicle, but he'll have to figure that out.

I thank God for the work He is doing on me and in my heart.

Thought for today

2009-09-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.

"How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?

All of us have.

We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.

If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.

If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.

Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do."

There was a time when I didn't "get" the above message. I thought I was unique, or that my son was, and that I truly could change him if I could just get him to "hear" me. Oh boy. I'm happy to say that I no longer believe I have that power. But, old habits die hard, and I do have to remind myself of this when certain thoughts start creeping in. My son will be out of his treatment center in about a week and I'm having to really remember that this is HIS recovery and journey and that I have my own. I pray that God continues to guide me on the healthy path that He already has me on....

30 days left

2009-08-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

30 days left of my son's 90 day program. Yikes. I know he's working on his exit plan, and I know that I don't have control over what that entails. I'm just hoping that he decides to stay down there a bit longer, or go out of state where we have extended family. Those are my hopes, but this is his recovery. We'll see...

Son was chosen to go on a weekend retreat at the owner's cabin in the mountains, last weekend. Not everyone gets to go during their stay in treatment, it's definitely a privilege, and he earned it.

I felt depressed last week. It's sad that I can't be completely overjoyed with his progress. I am joyful and ever so thankful for his sobriety thus far. But, it saddens me that I have to forever remain cautiously optimistic. I feel like if I talk about how great he's doing, it'll bite me in the butt and he'll relapse. I know that part is twisted thinking- I can't really "jinx" his sobriety. Yet these feelings creep up. I guess I'm still working on finding that balance. Guess it means I have to continue working on myself.

I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life, and I need to just focus on those positive things. Which includes my son's sobriety, for today.

51 Days

2009-08-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

That's how many days my son has sober.

I am so proud of his efforts to stay clean. We saw him yesterday and he continues to make progress. He's opening up more and it's really noticeable how that is helping him in his recovery. He's now one of the "senior" residents at his home and is therefore called upon to help guide the newcomers. The house manager and our son have an awesome mutual respect for each other and it's a joy to see.

I am realistic about relapse. But, I'm choosing to not focus on that because #1, it hasn't happened yet and #2, it serves no purpose for me to worry about it.

I think I'm most impressed that son is very genuine about his feelings and recovery. He doesn't gloss over anything. He doesn't claim to have this licked, he knows it's life long recovery. He calls his sponsor A LOT. He prays for God to help with his obsession to use. I could go on and on...

He makes me proud and I love him so very much!

Thankful

2009-07-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

We had a great visit with our son yesterday! He looks healthy, and yes- we did see that sparkle back in his eyes!

He's working his program, following the rules, and will be given more freedom/privileges, now that his 30 days are up. I have to admit that upon hearing this, I had anxiety. It's much more comforting knowing that he's supervised 24/7. However, I realize that can't last forever and this is his journey. He has earned this upcoming freedom and I will continue to pray that he makes good decisions, like he has done for the past 30 days.

I could worry about the future, but I won't. I will be thankful and happy that for today he is sober and today I feel peace.

Praise God as we continue on our journeys...

Tears

2009-07-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that I haven't cried in almost 30 days.

This Saturday will be 30 days since we dropped our son off at rehab.

This Sunday we will get to see our son receive his 30 day chip/coin.

I called his rehab to find out what time we should arrive on Sunday.

She said that son is such a genuinely nice person.

She said how handsome he is and how he takes good care of himself.

She said he is opening up and sharing more each day.

She said we will be proud of him.

She said he has a sparkle in his eye.

I hung up and cried. I've missed that sparkle. I can't wait to see it again.

I can't wait to hug my son again.

I can't wait to whisper, "I don't want to let you go," when I hug him.

I can't wait to hear him say, "I know Mom."

Technical question

2009-07-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hoping someone can help me out here. Very often when I click on the link to someone's blog I get an Internet Explorer error message saying website cannot be opened, operation aborted. Other times, I can get to the blogs just fine.

I have Windows Vista Service Pack 1, Internet Explorer 8

Thank you!

It's our lesson

2009-07-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

One of my saving graces has been a book of daily meditations called, More Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie. I gain something by each reading, but this one on July 18th really spoke to me.

"When you learn your lessons, the pain goes away."
~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, The Wheel of Life

"Sometimes, we wait and wait for a painful situation to end. When will he stop drinking? When will she call? When will this financial stuff get better? When will I know what to do next?

Life has its own timeline. As soon as we get the lesson, the pain neutralizes, then disappears.

And the lesson is always ours.

Examine your life. Are you waiting for someone or something outside of you to happen to make you feel better? Are you waiting for someone to learn his or her lesson for your pain to stop? If you are, try turning inward. See what the lesson really is."

"God, please show me what I'm supposed to be learning right now."

Cigarette Decision

2009-07-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the input on our dilemma. We've decided to send the smokes this time and ask if perhaps he can do extra chores to earn smoke money for the future. Husband doesn't want to provide for the entire 90 days.

We do not have an unlimited money source, like most, we are suffering in this economy. While his rehab isn't free, we're paying for 90 days what most places charge for 30 days, so it is one of the more affordable places around.

I love my son beyond belief, I don't like that he smokes, but I do accept it.

If this was just MY decision, I wouldn't have even blogged about- I would have just sent them. This seems like a small issue in the grand scheme of things, splitting hairs, if you will. However, hubby and I are a team, so I do respect his feelings on the issue.

Today I am blessed that my biggest dilemma is over cigarettes.

Thanks again- you guys are the best!

Cigarettes and Rehab

2009-07-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

Son has been in rehab for 2 weeks as of yesterday. I've called to check on him a few times, and they tell me he's doing really well.

So, today we get a call from the intake lady asking if we could send a carton of cigarettes for our son. I don't smoke, so I asked her if that was even legal to do! Naive, I know, but I was clueless. Then I asked her if the $40 cash we left for son's incidentals was already spent and she said that it was. So, I told her okay, I would do it.

Husband says no. He says he lost his grandpa and dad to cigarettes and he doesn't feel good providing them to son. I understand where he is coming from, I truly do. However, I see the cigs as the lesser of the 2 evils and would rather it be cigs son is smoking than heroin.

Also, when we dropped son off that day, he mentioned he only had 2 cigs left and could we go get him a pack before we left. I looked at intake lady and before I could say anything she said, "We deal with one addiction at a time," and husband went to get the cigs then.

It didn't occur to me at that point to inquire about how he would get cigs after that. I'm just wondering if intake lady would have told us that she'd be calling periodically and asking us to send cigs, if husband would have agreed then. He's not home right now, I'll have to ask him that.

I'm sure there's no right or wrong, just opinions, but I'd love to hear what anyone thinks. Maybe husband's opinion has already changed too, I'll find out when he gets home.

Happy 4th!

2009-07-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July!

Once again, I thank each of you for your comments to my last post. It gives me encouragement and support, along with me knowing that I'm not alone. Your comments are priceless to me and I appreciate that you take the time~ I truly do.

I think we are doing pretty darn good! We are heading up to our cabin tonight, a place where we always feel peaceful. Looking forward to that.

I called to check on son yesterday and they said that he made it through detoxing and they are pleased with how he is working his program. They said he's so polite and a real joy to have around. We'll be going down at the end of this month for family time, after his 30 days are up. If all goes well, we'll see him receive his 30 day chip.

I'm trying to just stay in the moment. I'm not awfulizing about what could or might happen. I know the 3 C's, I know this is all up to him. I wish he would've wanted recovery before he had jail looming over his head too (I think Lou mentioned this) I also wish more than anything that he wasn't a drug addict too. I wish a lot of things, but I keep going back to the 3 C's and my only hope at this juncture is that the threat of jail is enough for him to take this seriously. Everyone's bottom is different and I have no idea what his is.

I do believe, no matter what, that some seeds are being planted during his time in this recovery center. That's about all I can hope and pray for.

For now, we've reached that balance of remaining carefully optimistic. Hoping for the best but mentally prepared for the worst (while not dwelling on the worst). It's a hard balance to achieve, but we are doing our best- just as we hope our son is doing.

Filled with hope,
ChaiLatte

He's in!

2009-06-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm simply exhausted. But, I wanted to thank each of you for your support and give an update before I head to bed.

We made it to the recovery center, with son using in the gas station bathroom on our way down. Then I have the pleasure of watching him nod off in the back seat, as we start our 6 hour drive south. I could see him in my rear view mirror. I thought I was going to throw up.

Let me back up...

We had our 3rd and final court date that morning at 8AM. We had also gone the 2 days before, so let's just say the guy who does security before you enter the courtroom, was becoming our friend. This was our life for 3 days. And, when we weren't at court, we were on high alert to make sure son was "okay," and not getting in trouble or leaving our sight, except for when he was attending AA meetings.

So, the judge gives us the okay to go to recovery and thanks us, in front of everyone, for being there for our son and tells son he better not mess up, or it's jail. He tells my son to work recovery and to stop self medicating himself.

It was about 10 minutes later that we stop for gas and son is taking forever in the bathroom. I drove away from the pump and over in front of the bathroom and told my husband to go check on him. He knocks on the door and son says, "I'm almost done, Dad." My husband walks over to my window and I told him that I feel like calling the cops and telling them to come get him- I am done. I look up at my husband and he has tears in his eyes. We look at each other and we are lost. We are helpless. We have one goal and that's to get our son into rehab. We are both worn down, confused, angry, sad, hurting, and sick to our stomachs. We tell each other to stay strong. Son comes out and we are on our way. No conversation in the car and this is when I look at him in my rear view mirror and see that he's nodded off. I turn up the music and just keep driving and ask God to give me peace, I just want to feel peace.

Son wakes up about an hour later and is very pleasant. You'd think we were a family headed off to vacation. I relish in the normalcy. It's all I have for this moment.

Blocks away from the recovery center and son is adamant about stopping at a gas station. I'm still driving, so I say no. I tell him he will wait till our destination and use their bathroom. "But, I have to smoke a cigarette," he pleads. I tell him I'm not stopping. I could feel his panic. He must have had drugs still on him. I didn't care at this point. We arrive, meet everyone and I remind son that he had to go to the bathroom. He goes, and comes back out within a normal time period. So, he either flushed whatever he had left or had it hidden. I alerted the staff that he used on the way down and possibly had something on him. They told me not to worry, they deal with this daily and they gave us big hugs and told us to go home and relax, and finally get some sleep.

The goodbye with our son was pretty brief. Tears, but brief. I told him to do this for himself and that I love him more than he'll ever know. Husband hugged him next and I didn't think he'd ever let go. It's funny how intertwined in all of this mess, our roles sometimes reverse. Usually my husband is the rock of all rocks. He still is, but I realize that this has brought him to his knees, on many levels and sometimes I need to be the rock.

We drove away feeling relief. Had great conversation all the way home. Everything felt okay. Husband, as usual, went to bed first. I walk in an hour later, feeling fine, climb in bed and the floodgates open. I couldn't stop crying. I was sad for my son and his life. Husband understood my tears, but reminded me that the alternative for our son was jail- and he was right.

I told myself that my son was exactly where he needed to be and I needed to be thankful. There is no contact for the first 30 days, which will be good for all of us. We all need time...

Asking for prayer

2009-06-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

Any prayer warriors out there? We could use all the help we can get right now. If you don't pray, I welcome positive thoughts. It all helps.

I haven't blogged lately, because I'd have to blog every 5 minutes just to keep current with my emotions and thoughts.

We are about 24 hrs. away from getting our son into a 90 day inpatient recovery center and I can tell it's going to be hell right up to the last second. Sometimes he's so compliant and other times the addict behavior is right in my face. Son thinks he's hiding it, but he's not.

Husband and I just want to get him into treatment. We understand that it's just the beginning and it doesn't mean life will be great. But, after having son home for a week now- we need him in recovery FOR US. We need normalcy again. Even if it's short lived. We need a few nights of sleep, that's all we want right now.

I was filled with sadness, worry and fear when son was "on the streets," when they are back home with you (and not recovered) that sadness turns to anger. I understand Dad's (from Mom and Dad's Blog) anger much better now. I'm allowing myself to feel the anger and move on. Our son is still thinking with his addict brain and we'd be foolish to think he's even capable of thinking straight right now.

My prayers are that we get him safely to rehab. Then, my prayers will be that a miracle takes place within those 90 days and something will sink in...

Thank you for reading.

Son asked for help!

2009-06-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share the good news that my son called this morning and asked if he could come home and we could talk about detox and rehab.

The timing was perfect, where I could leave work a bit early and go get him.

We went to the ER for detox. From things I've heard, I expected they would admit him immediately and that he'd have to be closely supervised. Not so. I mean, they took all his vitals, asked a bunch of questions, did the urine and lab work and then gave him a shot of something to help with withdrawals. I'm completely blanking on what the shot was... Anyway, it is supposed to get him through the night and then we have to return at 9AM tomorrow to meet with the main detox doctor to discuss further treatment options. My son is requesting inpatient.

I am PRAISING GOD for this progress, as it's what I've been praying for. My exact prayers are that he'd ask us, or someone, for help and that's exactly what he did today! I understand that I have to be realistic and this in no way means that life is perfect from here on out, but FOR TONIGHT, I AM GRATEFUL!

He is snoring away as I type this, and that is music to my ears right now!!

God is great!
ChaiLatte

Interesting Day

2009-06-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Actually, it started yesterday when I got the mail. A letter came addressed to my son, and I opened it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. It was from a lawyer of a big box store, stating that due to an incident on such and such date, he could send $300 and no legal action would take place, etc... My heart sank. Even though I knew. I knew he was shoplifting. Part of me was proud that it didn't ruin and keep me up all night like it would have in the past. What it did, was make me amp up my prayers for him. Who would think I could pray even more than I already do...

So, today at work, a client and I were sharing stories and she made the comment, "Your son will be fine- I just know it." She's never met him, nor does she know full details. But after our conversation I felt lighter somehow, if that makes sense. It's almost like her optimism and faith rubbed off on me. I realize that I still struggle with holding out hope, yet expecting the worst. Push and Pull.

Shortly after arriving home from work, one of our tenants dropped by to pay his rent. He was my son's roommate for a few months. He's from out of state, so he didn't know my son till he moved in, but it was shortly after that we told my son he had to leave as he couldn't pay rent. So, this guy knows my son's story. Anyway he asked how son was doing and wondered if we'd heard from him lately. I filled him in on my hospital stay and how son visited me there. He said that my son is such a good person and he just knows that he'll pull out of this and be okay. Again, it gave me that uplifting feeling just to hear those words.

Now, hubby and I are having dinner. Son #2 is at work, so it's just the two of us. House phone rings, we dont' answer it, as we are up to our elbows in artichokes and deep conversation. I was, in fact, telling him how I felt like I had "signs" today that our son would be okay. He usually teases me about thinking everything I come across is a sign! In the next room, my cell phone starts ringing. Again, we let it go...

After dinner I check my cell. We don't have caller ID on the house phone, but of course I do on my cell. There was no voice mail. So, I called the number back and some young man answers. He asks if I'm (sons) Mom. I tell him yes and he said that he's a friend and just saw son. He pulled over to talk with him, and he told son that he'd take him to our house if son wanted. Son said yes! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I DIDN'T ANSWER THOSE CALLS!! Since we didn't answer, he didn't give son a ride, because in case we weren't home- this friend was not able to have son at his house (understandable). He did say that he and son planned to get together tomorrow and hang out, and if that does happen- he said he'd have son call us. This friend said the same thing as the others, what a great person son is and "we" need to just reel him back in and get him off that stuff. He didn't mean us, just meant it's what we'd all love to see happen. I told this friend to please keep my number in his contacts and I made it clear to him how much we love our son and will support him in recovery 100%, when he chooses it.

I know that my son calling could mean several different things. It doesn't necessarily mean that he was calling for help. But, maybe, just maybe, he's getting to the end of his rope- nearing his bottom- and is starting to slowly reach out- ?

I can hope....

Intervention was not meant to be

2009-05-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Obviously, it was not meant to happen.

Last Wednesday I had son #2 rush me to the ER with awful stomach pains that I had been fighting all day. They admitted me with a blockage in my intestine! Ugh. Had to have an NG tube down my nose to drain the fluid/bile (sorry!) that was building up due to the blockage. I will spare any further details, but that NG tube was nasty and archaic. If you ever do have to have one, ask for the kid sized tube. After me screaming and the nurse trying twice, she finally asked for the kid size. They told me it would be "uncomfortable, but not painful," they lied. It was pure pain, and I have a fairly high pain tolerance. Anyway, 4 days in the hospital and the blockage is still unexplained. But, I'm better. Will see a Gastro doctor next month and maybe get some answers.

I do wonder if stress can cause this type of blockage. That would make sense to me.

So, son #1 did come visit in the hospital- that was a surprise! I cried when he walked in, I was so happy to see him. He cried too. Nothing really new, but we were happy to see him. He actually looked pretty good. We kept the conversation "normal."

I cried as he was getting ready to leave. I held his face in my hands, looked him in the eyes and told him that I love him so much and that I am here for him whenever he needs me. I told him that I don't EVER want him to feel alone or unloved. He cried again too.

Gosh, I didn't want to let him go.....

Okay, I shook the anxiety...

2009-05-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

Whew. I'm better.

I'm so thankful for son #2. Went out to eat with son~ he's such a great kid and I'm so proud of the young man he's grown to be. I realize that in my short blogging life, I don't mention son #2 often, as my primary reason for blogging is to vent about addiction. But, I have to say that he gives me great joy, just being around him. Going out to eat was a good distraction from my anxiety over son #1. I love both of my sons beyond belief.

I'm also very thankful for my husband. I admire his strength in all that we're going through. He called after I returned from dinner, and said that he spoke with the girl who left the message. She told him that our son is saying he wants to come home. But, right now his complete existence involves getting his next fix. She feels he's tiring of it all. We're hoping to arrange something on Friday. We know an interventionist in town, and he said that he's ready to help us when son wants it. So, I'm going to call him tomorrow and see if he's able to meet with us to help formulate a plan for if/when son does come by.

I feel better, and I'm counting my blessings in life...

Can't shake the anxiety...

2009-05-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

You know that pit in your stomach feeling and you immediately feel nauseous? That's me right now.

Just got a message from a girl who my husband talked to a few weeks ago, regarding son. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but husband has made contact with some of the people son has been staying with. He doesn't ask any questions, other than how son is, and he does this in the hopes that they would call us if there was some emergency- also to let them know that son has a family that cares deeply for him and his safety.

Anyway, her message said that she saw son today and wanted to let us know that he's okay. She then said that if it was okay she'd like to bring him over in the next few days because she thinks we should see him. Of course my first thought is that he looks really bad and that we should know. When son's ex-gf called the other day, she mentioned that he's real thin. I know this is all to be expected, but of course I don't dwell on these things normally, for exactly this reason- makes me sick to my stomach of what drugs are doing to my son! Wouldn't you know, husband is out of town. I called him right away and gave him the girl's number. I just don't feel strong enough to call her and get/hear details. Husband said he'd try and arrange for her to bring him Friday, when we can both be home.

If he looks terrible and is ready for help, then I'm okay. But, I don't want to see him looking awful and then have him just leave again, back out to using!

I just had to come here and post, in hopes of feeling better and rid some of this anxiety. My chest literally hurts with worry...

I Want a Do-Over

2009-05-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

I mentally put myself through hell the first year after discovering our son's addiction. I riddled myself with guilt and blame. I then learned of the 3 C's, and for the past 4 months I have been more gentle with myself. But, I'd still like a do-over in raising said son. I know I shouldn't want what I can't have, but I do. I'm not going back to the place of blame, but boy would it be easy... Just like the addict relapsing...

I have reason for these feelings. I received a phone call from son's ex-girlfriend. She's about 3 months clean. She was calling because she heard about FIL passing away. Come to think of it, I'd like a do-over with this phone call too, because I should have thanked her and excused myself right off the phone- that would have been the healthy thing for me to do. Instead, I stayed on long enough for her to ask me if I've heard from son. She said she saw him about 2 weeks ago. I take most of what she says with a grain of salt. However, one thing stuck out. She said that she thinks he likes this lifestyle. I asked her to be more specific and she said, "Oh, you know- the running around, going here, going there and living on the edge."

I received total clarity on the fact that this is how our son was from day ONE. Never content, always on to the next thing before the first thing was finished, somewhat liking danger, etc. So, while I don't blame myself directly for his drug use, I blame myself for always trying to change who he was and I think that he must have not always felt safe to be himself. Or, he must have felt like I always disapproved of him. Even though it wasn't "him," but his behavior that I disapproved of, I'm not sure I made that clear to him.

That's why I'd like a do-over. To hug him more, to tell him he's wonderful, to spend more time with him.

I wonder if it's true, I wonder if he really does like his current lifestyle? I didn't think he did, but maybe I'm wrong.

I really don't want to wonder about these things. I don't want my head filled with things I have no control over. I don't want to speculate or awfulize.

I think blogging is helping me. I don't want a do-over after all. That would be too much work, and who's to say I wouldn't screw up the second time around anyway?! Life isn't about perfection, it's about experience, living, loving and forgiving.

I forgive myself for not being the perfect mom.

~Chailatte~

I've been contemplating...

2009-05-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have to start out by saying that all along, our son has always been respectful, in spite of his addiction. In fact, I know he doesn't come around when he's using because he is filled with shame and guilt. I think these are also the reasons he doesn't ask us for help. He's always been strong willed and I think that he'd like to show us that he can quit on his own. I could be wrong about all this, but he is, after all, my son.

Since we moved him out of our rental house 3 months ago, we've seen him twice and he's called about 4 times. The first time that we saw him, we tracked him down through phone calls and just showed up at the house he was at and took him to lunch. After lunch we asked if he wanted to come home with us, or if he wanted us to drop him back off where he was staying. He said that he wanted to come home, but wanted to feel better first. It was obvious during lunch that he was not high(either trying to quit again, or just in between fixes, as he was flu-like) The other time we saw him, he came over to visit with us before we went out of state for my FIL's funeral. This time he had slightly heavy eyelids, but other than that, his behavior was totally fine. He always tears up/cries as we are saying our good-byes. Hubby and I always tell him we love him and that we are here for him to help him in anyway. He always says, "I know, thank you."

The part I'd like feedback on is this, we get the itch to go find him when we haven't heard from him. Is it wrong to go searching? I don't mean to the point of insanity where we are obsessed with finding him. But is it okay, if we get a lead, to go find him so we can hug him and tell him we love him, take him to lunch if he wants? I know there is no right or wrong, but I'd like input. I've heard it said that sometimes addicts need to feel that they are alone and have NO ONE before seeking help, but, I don't know...

Thanks for reading,
Chai

Thanks for the support

2009-05-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm so grateful for all of your comments. I really appreciate the support and encouragement to get through these dark times. It does help to know that I'm not alone.

I was so hoping for a phone call or text on Mother's Day, but, nothing. It's strange because I'm not personally hurt, rather, I thought what a good "excuse" for him to make a quick call~at least we'd know he's okay. Sunday was exactly 3 weeks since I've heard his voice. Then, upon returning home from a weekend at our cabin, we had a message that someone heard from him and he's staying at a motel in a nearby town--great. Looks like the couch surfing has come to an end. Hearing about this motel thing put me in complete panic and awfulizing mode. A total setback. Hearing this was worse than him not calling.

We had planned on making the Nar-anon meeting on our way back into town, but hit traffic and missed it. Boy, we sure could have used it! I know that we have to get back into a routine of going, as it does help a great deal in living with this pain.

As hubby and I were talking about son today, he mentioned how son is on his own journey and we have to accept that. For some reason his use of the word, "journey," really bothered me. I guess because that word automatically makes me think of a fun trip. A journey. I see him on a downward spiral more than on a journey.... I usually don't get hung up on things like this. Although I've been like that all day today- like a ping pong ball- first I'm peaceful and trusting God, then I'm frantic and riddled with anxiety and worry. I hate days like this. I want more calm. I want to really FEEL my faith. I put my son in God's hands every day and I want to leave it like that. I torture my own self with my thoughts.

Tomorrow will be better, right?!?! It will, I trust that it will.

I'm off to read your comments again and sign up to follow all of your blogs!
Blessings to all,
ChaiLatte

Newbie to Blogging

2009-05-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

My first blog...

I want to thank Ron for encouraging me to do this! I've contemplated it for a while, but always put if off. Finally I thought, "If not now, when?" Besides, I've benefitted from silently reading other's blogs that it feels time to contribute and maybe help some other hurting parent know that they are not alone.

The quick version of my story is that my 21 yr. old son is addicted to smoking heroin. I am married, to the same man for 24 yrs., and we also have a 19 yr. old son- who does not have addiction issues. I do not know my son's full story, as he is currently in active addiction. I do know that he started smoking pot the summer before he started high school. God only knows what he's all done the past 7 years, and I'd like to keep it that way- I don't want to know. We knew things weren't "right," and it caused much stress in our marriage as I was the one wanting to confront and seek help, whereas hubby kept saying, "kids will be kids, and he'll grow out of it," I wasn't buying that- call it Mother's intuition or whatever- but I felt there was something more serious going on. Fast forward to a year ago, when his dad found him nodded off in his truck with a meth pipe in his lap, on his lunch hour. He was working for us at the time. I'll never forget the phone call from my husband, him crying, telling me that they were both on their way home with something to tell me. When they arrived, son said he was glad that we finally knew the truth because he wanted to quit but was too embarrassed to ask us for help. From that day forward, we did everything WRONG. We were truly uneducated when it came to addiction and recovery. We immediately put him in a local rehab, because we thought that's what a parent did. Our son wanted to just stay with us, at home, and sleep it off. His "friends" told him that's all he needed to do. Needless to say he wasn't the most cooperative in rehab and ended up leaving the 30 day program, five days before it was over. We then allowed him to return working for us. (Like I said, we were totally naive about all of it!) So, of course, the next year was hell. He would show up late for work, cry and say he was sorry, etc., and then it would start all over again. We knew he was using again, but didn't know what. I now believe it was Oxy's. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, we finally let him go from work. He did odd and end jobs, and we could tell things were getting worse around November of 08. Oh, forgot to mention he was living in one of our rental houses. December was when he couldn't pay rent and we said enough is enough, and told him he had to get his act together or move out. But, he always had a story and we always believed him, we so badly wanted to believe him. Shortly after that, husband found foil with black marks on them in son's room- just laying out- not hidden. A quick search on the internet and we knew he was smoking heroin. Gave him one week to get out. He was out for about 1 week and his gf was arrested, in his truck, with heroin in her mouth and some also found in the truck. Gf went to jail and truck was impounded. We've seen our son a few times since then, about 3 times in 4 months. He knows we love him, he knows we are here when he's ready to choose recovery, but we will not support his addiction.

Believe it or not- that truly was a quick version! I know that all of you parents reading this understand what I mean by that. There are so many sleepless nights, hopes up, hopes shattered, worrying, wondering, the lies, the broken promises, etc., that I could never go in full detail of what we've been through in the past year, it would take forever.

What I have learned is that, sadly, our story is not unique. Just as our son is not unique. He's a handsome guy, great personality, smart, fun to be around, etc., just like all of your addict children. They are beautiful souls, just lost in addiction...

If you've made it this far~ thank you!! A blogger, I'm not, but hopefully I'll learn soon. Will probably keep it shorter and more to the point- might make for easier reading.

I look forward to hearing from any of you out there in the land of blogging,
Chailatte