Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Intervention was not meant to be

Obviously, it was not meant to happen.

Last Wednesday I had son #2 rush me to the ER with awful stomach pains that I had been fighting all day. They admitted me with a blockage in my intestine! Ugh. Had to have an NG tube down my nose to drain the fluid/bile (sorry!) that was building up due to the blockage. I will spare any further details, but that NG tube was nasty and archaic. If you ever do have to have one, ask for the kid sized tube. After me screaming and the nurse trying twice, she finally asked for the kid size. They told me it would be "uncomfortable, but not painful," they lied. It was pure pain, and I have a fairly high pain tolerance. Anyway, 4 days in the hospital and the blockage is still unexplained. But, I'm better. Will see a Gastro doctor next month and maybe get some answers.

I do wonder if stress can cause this type of blockage. That would make sense to me.

So, son #1 did come visit in the hospital- that was a surprise! I cried when he walked in, I was so happy to see him. He cried too. Nothing really new, but we were happy to see him. He actually looked pretty good. We kept the conversation "normal."

I cried as he was getting ready to leave. I held his face in my hands, looked him in the eyes and told him that I love him so much and that I am here for him whenever he needs me. I told him that I don't EVER want him to feel alone or unloved. He cried again too.

Gosh, I didn't want to let him go.....

Monday, May 18, 2009

Okay, I shook the anxiety...

Whew. I'm better.

I'm so thankful for son #2. Went out to eat with son~ he's such a great kid and I'm so proud of the young man he's grown to be. I realize that in my short blogging life, I don't mention son #2 often, as my primary reason for blogging is to vent about addiction. But, I have to say that he gives me great joy, just being around him. Going out to eat was a good distraction from my anxiety over son #1. I love both of my sons beyond belief.

I'm also very thankful for my husband. I admire his strength in all that we're going through. He called after I returned from dinner, and said that he spoke with the girl who left the message. She told him that our son is saying he wants to come home. But, right now his complete existence involves getting his next fix. She feels he's tiring of it all. We're hoping to arrange something on Friday. We know an interventionist in town, and he said that he's ready to help us when son wants it. So, I'm going to call him tomorrow and see if he's able to meet with us to help formulate a plan for if/when son does come by.

I feel better, and I'm counting my blessings in life...

Can't shake the anxiety...

You know that pit in your stomach feeling and you immediately feel nauseous? That's me right now.

Just got a message from a girl who my husband talked to a few weeks ago, regarding son. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but husband has made contact with some of the people son has been staying with. He doesn't ask any questions, other than how son is, and he does this in the hopes that they would call us if there was some emergency- also to let them know that son has a family that cares deeply for him and his safety.

Anyway, her message said that she saw son today and wanted to let us know that he's okay. She then said that if it was okay she'd like to bring him over in the next few days because she thinks we should see him. Of course my first thought is that he looks really bad and that we should know. When son's ex-gf called the other day, she mentioned that he's real thin. I know this is all to be expected, but of course I don't dwell on these things normally, for exactly this reason- makes me sick to my stomach of what drugs are doing to my son! Wouldn't you know, husband is out of town. I called him right away and gave him the girl's number. I just don't feel strong enough to call her and get/hear details. Husband said he'd try and arrange for her to bring him Friday, when we can both be home.

If he looks terrible and is ready for help, then I'm okay. But, I don't want to see him looking awful and then have him just leave again, back out to using!

I just had to come here and post, in hopes of feeling better and rid some of this anxiety. My chest literally hurts with worry...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Want a Do-Over

I mentally put myself through hell the first year after discovering our son's addiction. I riddled myself with guilt and blame. I then learned of the 3 C's, and for the past 4 months I have been more gentle with myself. But, I'd still like a do-over in raising said son. I know I shouldn't want what I can't have, but I do. I'm not going back to the place of blame, but boy would it be easy... Just like the addict relapsing...

I have reason for these feelings. I received a phone call from son's ex-girlfriend. She's about 3 months clean. She was calling because she heard about FIL passing away. Come to think of it, I'd like a do-over with this phone call too, because I should have thanked her and excused myself right off the phone- that would have been the healthy thing for me to do. Instead, I stayed on long enough for her to ask me if I've heard from son. She said she saw him about 2 weeks ago. I take most of what she says with a grain of salt. However, one thing stuck out. She said that she thinks he likes this lifestyle. I asked her to be more specific and she said, "Oh, you know- the running around, going here, going there and living on the edge."

I received total clarity on the fact that this is how our son was from day ONE. Never content, always on to the next thing before the first thing was finished, somewhat liking danger, etc. So, while I don't blame myself directly for his drug use, I blame myself for always trying to change who he was and I think that he must have not always felt safe to be himself. Or, he must have felt like I always disapproved of him. Even though it wasn't "him," but his behavior that I disapproved of, I'm not sure I made that clear to him.

That's why I'd like a do-over. To hug him more, to tell him he's wonderful, to spend more time with him.

I wonder if it's true, I wonder if he really does like his current lifestyle? I didn't think he did, but maybe I'm wrong.

I really don't want to wonder about these things. I don't want my head filled with things I have no control over. I don't want to speculate or awfulize.

I think blogging is helping me. I don't want a do-over after all. That would be too much work, and who's to say I wouldn't screw up the second time around anyway?! Life isn't about perfection, it's about experience, living, loving and forgiving.

I forgive myself for not being the perfect mom.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I've been contemplating...

I have to start out by saying that all along, our son has always been respectful, in spite of his addiction. In fact, I know he doesn't come around when he's using because he is filled with shame and guilt. I think these are also the reasons he doesn't ask us for help. He's always been strong willed and I think that he'd like to show us that he can quit on his own. I could be wrong about all this, but he is, after all, my son.

Since we moved him out of our rental house 3 months ago, we've seen him twice and he's called about 4 times. The first time that we saw him, we tracked him down through phone calls and just showed up at the house he was at and took him to lunch. After lunch we asked if he wanted to come home with us, or if he wanted us to drop him back off where he was staying. He said that he wanted to come home, but wanted to feel better first. It was obvious during lunch that he was not high(either trying to quit again, or just in between fixes, as he was flu-like) The other time we saw him, he came over to visit with us before we went out of state for my FIL's funeral. This time he had slightly heavy eyelids, but other than that, his behavior was totally fine. He always tears up/cries as we are saying our good-byes. Hubby and I always tell him we love him and that we are here for him to help him in anyway. He always says, "I know, thank you."

The part I'd like feedback on is this, we get the itch to go find him when we haven't heard from him. Is it wrong to go searching? I don't mean to the point of insanity where we are obsessed with finding him. But is it okay, if we get a lead, to go find him so we can hug him and tell him we love him, take him to lunch if he wants? I know there is no right or wrong, but I'd like input. I've heard it said that sometimes addicts need to feel that they are alone and have NO ONE before seeking help, but, I don't know...

Thanks for reading,

Monday, May 11, 2009

Thanks for the support

I'm so grateful for all of your comments. I really appreciate the support and encouragement to get through these dark times. It does help to know that I'm not alone.

I was so hoping for a phone call or text on Mother's Day, but, nothing. It's strange because I'm not personally hurt, rather, I thought what a good "excuse" for him to make a quick call~at least we'd know he's okay. Sunday was exactly 3 weeks since I've heard his voice. Then, upon returning home from a weekend at our cabin, we had a message that someone heard from him and he's staying at a motel in a nearby town--great. Looks like the couch surfing has come to an end. Hearing about this motel thing put me in complete panic and awfulizing mode. A total setback. Hearing this was worse than him not calling.

We had planned on making the Nar-anon meeting on our way back into town, but hit traffic and missed it. Boy, we sure could have used it! I know that we have to get back into a routine of going, as it does help a great deal in living with this pain.

As hubby and I were talking about son today, he mentioned how son is on his own journey and we have to accept that. For some reason his use of the word, "journey," really bothered me. I guess because that word automatically makes me think of a fun trip. A journey. I see him on a downward spiral more than on a journey.... I usually don't get hung up on things like this. Although I've been like that all day today- like a ping pong ball- first I'm peaceful and trusting God, then I'm frantic and riddled with anxiety and worry. I hate days like this. I want more calm. I want to really FEEL my faith. I put my son in God's hands every day and I want to leave it like that. I torture my own self with my thoughts.

Tomorrow will be better, right?!?! It will, I trust that it will.

I'm off to read your comments again and sign up to follow all of your blogs!
Blessings to all,

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Newbie to Blogging

My first blog...

I want to thank Ron for encouraging me to do this! I've contemplated it for a while, but always put if off. Finally I thought, "If not now, when?" Besides, I've benefitted from silently reading other's blogs that it feels time to contribute and maybe help some other hurting parent know that they are not alone.

The quick version of my story is that my 21 yr. old son is addicted to smoking heroin. I am married, to the same man for 24 yrs., and we also have a 19 yr. old son- who does not have addiction issues. I do not know my son's full story, as he is currently in active addiction. I do know that he started smoking pot the summer before he started high school. God only knows what he's all done the past 7 years, and I'd like to keep it that way- I don't want to know. We knew things weren't "right," and it caused much stress in our marriage as I was the one wanting to confront and seek help, whereas hubby kept saying, "kids will be kids, and he'll grow out of it," I wasn't buying that- call it Mother's intuition or whatever- but I felt there was something more serious going on. Fast forward to a year ago, when his dad found him nodded off in his truck with a meth pipe in his lap, on his lunch hour. He was working for us at the time. I'll never forget the phone call from my husband, him crying, telling me that they were both on their way home with something to tell me. When they arrived, son said he was glad that we finally knew the truth because he wanted to quit but was too embarrassed to ask us for help. From that day forward, we did everything WRONG. We were truly uneducated when it came to addiction and recovery. We immediately put him in a local rehab, because we thought that's what a parent did. Our son wanted to just stay with us, at home, and sleep it off. His "friends" told him that's all he needed to do. Needless to say he wasn't the most cooperative in rehab and ended up leaving the 30 day program, five days before it was over. We then allowed him to return working for us. (Like I said, we were totally naive about all of it!) So, of course, the next year was hell. He would show up late for work, cry and say he was sorry, etc., and then it would start all over again. We knew he was using again, but didn't know what. I now believe it was Oxy's. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, we finally let him go from work. He did odd and end jobs, and we could tell things were getting worse around November of 08. Oh, forgot to mention he was living in one of our rental houses. December was when he couldn't pay rent and we said enough is enough, and told him he had to get his act together or move out. But, he always had a story and we always believed him, we so badly wanted to believe him. Shortly after that, husband found foil with black marks on them in son's room- just laying out- not hidden. A quick search on the internet and we knew he was smoking heroin. Gave him one week to get out. He was out for about 1 week and his gf was arrested, in his truck, with heroin in her mouth and some also found in the truck. Gf went to jail and truck was impounded. We've seen our son a few times since then, about 3 times in 4 months. He knows we love him, he knows we are here when he's ready to choose recovery, but we will not support his addiction.

Believe it or not- that truly was a quick version! I know that all of you parents reading this understand what I mean by that. There are so many sleepless nights, hopes up, hopes shattered, worrying, wondering, the lies, the broken promises, etc., that I could never go in full detail of what we've been through in the past year, it would take forever.

What I have learned is that, sadly, our story is not unique. Just as our son is not unique. He's a handsome guy, great personality, smart, fun to be around, etc., just like all of your addict children. They are beautiful souls, just lost in addiction...

If you've made it this far~ thank you!! A blogger, I'm not, but hopefully I'll learn soon. Will probably keep it shorter and more to the point- might make for easier reading.

I look forward to hearing from any of you out there in the land of blogging,