Friday, June 26, 2009

He's in!

I'm simply exhausted. But, I wanted to thank each of you for your support and give an update before I head to bed.

We made it to the recovery center, with son using in the gas station bathroom on our way down. Then I have the pleasure of watching him nod off in the back seat, as we start our 6 hour drive south. I could see him in my rear view mirror. I thought I was going to throw up.

Let me back up...

We had our 3rd and final court date that morning at 8AM. We had also gone the 2 days before, so let's just say the guy who does security before you enter the courtroom, was becoming our friend. This was our life for 3 days. And, when we weren't at court, we were on high alert to make sure son was "okay," and not getting in trouble or leaving our sight, except for when he was attending AA meetings.

So, the judge gives us the okay to go to recovery and thanks us, in front of everyone, for being there for our son and tells son he better not mess up, or it's jail. He tells my son to work recovery and to stop self medicating himself.

It was about 10 minutes later that we stop for gas and son is taking forever in the bathroom. I drove away from the pump and over in front of the bathroom and told my husband to go check on him. He knocks on the door and son says, "I'm almost done, Dad." My husband walks over to my window and I told him that I feel like calling the cops and telling them to come get him- I am done. I look up at my husband and he has tears in his eyes. We look at each other and we are lost. We are helpless. We have one goal and that's to get our son into rehab. We are both worn down, confused, angry, sad, hurting, and sick to our stomachs. We tell each other to stay strong. Son comes out and we are on our way. No conversation in the car and this is when I look at him in my rear view mirror and see that he's nodded off. I turn up the music and just keep driving and ask God to give me peace, I just want to feel peace.

Son wakes up about an hour later and is very pleasant. You'd think we were a family headed off to vacation. I relish in the normalcy. It's all I have for this moment.

Blocks away from the recovery center and son is adamant about stopping at a gas station. I'm still driving, so I say no. I tell him he will wait till our destination and use their bathroom. "But, I have to smoke a cigarette," he pleads. I tell him I'm not stopping. I could feel his panic. He must have had drugs still on him. I didn't care at this point. We arrive, meet everyone and I remind son that he had to go to the bathroom. He goes, and comes back out within a normal time period. So, he either flushed whatever he had left or had it hidden. I alerted the staff that he used on the way down and possibly had something on him. They told me not to worry, they deal with this daily and they gave us big hugs and told us to go home and relax, and finally get some sleep.

The goodbye with our son was pretty brief. Tears, but brief. I told him to do this for himself and that I love him more than he'll ever know. Husband hugged him next and I didn't think he'd ever let go. It's funny how intertwined in all of this mess, our roles sometimes reverse. Usually my husband is the rock of all rocks. He still is, but I realize that this has brought him to his knees, on many levels and sometimes I need to be the rock.

We drove away feeling relief. Had great conversation all the way home. Everything felt okay. Husband, as usual, went to bed first. I walk in an hour later, feeling fine, climb in bed and the floodgates open. I couldn't stop crying. I was sad for my son and his life. Husband understood my tears, but reminded me that the alternative for our son was jail- and he was right.

I told myself that my son was exactly where he needed to be and I needed to be thankful. There is no contact for the first 30 days, which will be good for all of us. We all need time...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Asking for prayer

Any prayer warriors out there? We could use all the help we can get right now. If you don't pray, I welcome positive thoughts. It all helps.

I haven't blogged lately, because I'd have to blog every 5 minutes just to keep current with my emotions and thoughts.

We are about 24 hrs. away from getting our son into a 90 day inpatient recovery center and I can tell it's going to be hell right up to the last second. Sometimes he's so compliant and other times the addict behavior is right in my face. Son thinks he's hiding it, but he's not.

Husband and I just want to get him into treatment. We understand that it's just the beginning and it doesn't mean life will be great. But, after having son home for a week now- we need him in recovery FOR US. We need normalcy again. Even if it's short lived. We need a few nights of sleep, that's all we want right now.

I was filled with sadness, worry and fear when son was "on the streets," when they are back home with you (and not recovered) that sadness turns to anger. I understand Dad's (from Mom and Dad's Blog) anger much better now. I'm allowing myself to feel the anger and move on. Our son is still thinking with his addict brain and we'd be foolish to think he's even capable of thinking straight right now.

My prayers are that we get him safely to rehab. Then, my prayers will be that a miracle takes place within those 90 days and something will sink in...

Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Son asked for help!

Just wanted to share the good news that my son called this morning and asked if he could come home and we could talk about detox and rehab.

The timing was perfect, where I could leave work a bit early and go get him.

We went to the ER for detox. From things I've heard, I expected they would admit him immediately and that he'd have to be closely supervised. Not so. I mean, they took all his vitals, asked a bunch of questions, did the urine and lab work and then gave him a shot of something to help with withdrawals. I'm completely blanking on what the shot was... Anyway, it is supposed to get him through the night and then we have to return at 9AM tomorrow to meet with the main detox doctor to discuss further treatment options. My son is requesting inpatient.

I am PRAISING GOD for this progress, as it's what I've been praying for. My exact prayers are that he'd ask us, or someone, for help and that's exactly what he did today! I understand that I have to be realistic and this in no way means that life is perfect from here on out, but FOR TONIGHT, I AM GRATEFUL!

He is snoring away as I type this, and that is music to my ears right now!!

God is great!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Interesting Day

Actually, it started yesterday when I got the mail. A letter came addressed to my son, and I opened it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. It was from a lawyer of a big box store, stating that due to an incident on such and such date, he could send $300 and no legal action would take place, etc... My heart sank. Even though I knew. I knew he was shoplifting. Part of me was proud that it didn't ruin and keep me up all night like it would have in the past. What it did, was make me amp up my prayers for him. Who would think I could pray even more than I already do...

So, today at work, a client and I were sharing stories and she made the comment, "Your son will be fine- I just know it." She's never met him, nor does she know full details. But after our conversation I felt lighter somehow, if that makes sense. It's almost like her optimism and faith rubbed off on me. I realize that I still struggle with holding out hope, yet expecting the worst. Push and Pull.

Shortly after arriving home from work, one of our tenants dropped by to pay his rent. He was my son's roommate for a few months. He's from out of state, so he didn't know my son till he moved in, but it was shortly after that we told my son he had to leave as he couldn't pay rent. So, this guy knows my son's story. Anyway he asked how son was doing and wondered if we'd heard from him lately. I filled him in on my hospital stay and how son visited me there. He said that my son is such a good person and he just knows that he'll pull out of this and be okay. Again, it gave me that uplifting feeling just to hear those words.

Now, hubby and I are having dinner. Son #2 is at work, so it's just the two of us. House phone rings, we dont' answer it, as we are up to our elbows in artichokes and deep conversation. I was, in fact, telling him how I felt like I had "signs" today that our son would be okay. He usually teases me about thinking everything I come across is a sign! In the next room, my cell phone starts ringing. Again, we let it go...

After dinner I check my cell. We don't have caller ID on the house phone, but of course I do on my cell. There was no voice mail. So, I called the number back and some young man answers. He asks if I'm (sons) Mom. I tell him yes and he said that he's a friend and just saw son. He pulled over to talk with him, and he told son that he'd take him to our house if son wanted. Son said yes! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I DIDN'T ANSWER THOSE CALLS!! Since we didn't answer, he didn't give son a ride, because in case we weren't home- this friend was not able to have son at his house (understandable). He did say that he and son planned to get together tomorrow and hang out, and if that does happen- he said he'd have son call us. This friend said the same thing as the others, what a great person son is and "we" need to just reel him back in and get him off that stuff. He didn't mean us, just meant it's what we'd all love to see happen. I told this friend to please keep my number in his contacts and I made it clear to him how much we love our son and will support him in recovery 100%, when he chooses it.

I know that my son calling could mean several different things. It doesn't necessarily mean that he was calling for help. But, maybe, just maybe, he's getting to the end of his rope- nearing his bottom- and is starting to slowly reach out- ?

I can hope....