Sunday, November 15, 2009

Son Called

We were out running errands, to take our minds off of our current situation, and our son called. Very thankful to hear his voice. He is, indeed, staying with the friend that he knows down there. As I said earlier, that's not a good thing. But, obviously my son isn't capable of making good decisions right now. I'm always praying for that to change. I pray for God to literally change my son's brain chemistry... Even before drugs, his thinking/thought process was "off." I don't think I can articulate what I mean by that, but it's something I noticed about him at a very young age.

Anyway... I'm not certain what his plan is. He says he wants to try and get into a rehab closer to home, but sadly, I don't believe that's what he really wants. He just thinks it's what I want to hear. Or, he may want it deep down inside, but right now his addiction is bigger than him. He didn't ask for us to come pick him up. He said he was going to try and take the bus up here. I'm afraid that he'll just hang with this friend until he gets in trouble, or.... ????

It all just exhausts the heck out of me. Our younger son is home for a visit, so we're trying to just enjoy our time with him and not let other son intrude on that. I also have my Nar-Anon meeting tomorrow night and have already spoken with a few of my friends from my Mom's Group- it all helps- as did Sherry, PG, and Lisa's comments. It helps to not feel alone, and it helps to know that other people truly understand the awful feelings that come about from having a child addicted.

Thank you and God Bless Us All.

Left Rehab

Oh gosh. Our son left rehab yesterday afternoon and we don't know where he is. It's amazing how strong you can feel and all the work you can do, and in one split second all the old feelings and worries come back.

Apparently he was drinking, denied it at first, but then admitted it. The reason he told them he was leaving is that he didn't want to start back at square one. He had 140 days in rehab, with a relapse at day 85 and now again. He's obviously struggling with sobriety.

As his parents, we could sense something- restlessness? Maybe just the desire to use was getting stronger for him. Knowing his personality, we believed it was boredom setting in, as they have no physical outlet/exercise at his rehab and his job search entailed taking the bus downtown and walking up and down the same main street applying for jobs. That alone sounds depressing to me.

He knows one person down there (he's 6 hrs. south of where we live)and that person is someone who went through the same rehab, but is now living on his own and I believe using- as he was involved in my son's earlier relapse. I've called and left a message with that person asking him to please call if knows where our son is.

I just want to hear his voice. I just pray he doesn't use to the point of overdosing. I'm just scared. I know this is his recovery, his journey, I know I can't make him get and stay sober, I know I'm powerless. But, I also know that for today, I'm a worried sick mother.

If you pray, please pray for my son and his safety. Thank you so very much...

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Quick Update

We saw our son 2 weekends ago, and had a great visit. But, we always have great visits. We talked a little bit about his relapse, but not a lot. I am no longer thinking too far in the future. I've come a long way with my expectations. He was doing great the day I saw him, and that's all I know. I rely on God every second of the day to give me strength to take care of myself and to be the person He wants me to be. I praise God for the peace I feel today.

Please visit Heathersmom, you'll see her on my blog list. I wish her, and all of you, the very best in the healing of our kids/spouses/selves as we deal with the insidious disease of addiction.