Inspirational Prayer of the Day

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Glorious Day!

Just spent the last 4 hours with my son, on his birthday! It was a most glorious day, in so many ways and I'm feeling very thankful to God for making this day so special!

Birthday & Books

Today is my son's 23rd birthday. Not sure if I'll see him today or not, but he did come to my other son's 21st birthday party last week. It was great to see him! We do keep in touch through phone calls and texts, mostly texts. But, I was still happy that he made the effort to be with us on his brother's birthday. He has also been reaching out to other family members (my brother and sister) by calling them. That's pretty huge in my book and I'm happy to see that change in him. I do not get my hopes up about anything, nor do I have expectations, but I enjoy seeing some changes in my son that show me he is reaching out.

Books. I've read several books on addiction, some very excellent and helpful ones. However, someone just gave me their copy of Stay Close, by Libby Cataldi. I adore this book and I'm so thankful she wrote it. As a parent, I could relate. She has battled cancer, I have too (although a different kind). She also has 2 sons, one addicted and one not- something else I related to. Libby talks about her denial, horror, shame, confusion, enabling, etc... She makes it clear that she will never fully understand addiction, but her book is very informative and she learned how to have compassion for her son, stay close to her son, yet not enable her son. I highly recommend this book.

Libby's son is doing very well today, but she says something about there not being a finish line in addiction, what a true statement...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Need to vent

Wow. I cannot believe that it's been over 4 months since I've blogged here! Summer has been busy, a lot of time spent at our cabin, which I'm ever so thankful to have. It's our slice of heaven and feel blessed that I can escape up there, when I'm not working, of course!

I feel like my recovery has been going well and I'm feeling strong. But, today I just feel pissed, pardon my french. I didn't want to make this post all about my son, because in my recovery I work hard to take the focus off of him an onto myself. But then again, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him- so I will always have something to say about him!

First of all, I love him to pieces. Always have, always will. I am not angry at him today, I'm angry at addiction. I've been angry at addiction before-nothing new there.

Son had to leave his rehab because he started taking valium to help him sleep at night. So, he's back in our hometown, staying with someone- he didn't tell me who it is and now it's been a week since I've heard from him. All signs that he's back on heroin.

The past few months I was used to people asking how he was doing and I would always respond by how he was doing when I last saw him- which was usually that he was doing good, but ended by saying, "we take it one day at a time." So, it's not that I had high expectations, or that I'm shocked that he relapsed. I'm just so damn sick of his addiction keeping him from us and keeping him from a happy, healthy, productive life. It pisses me off that he'll always be one stinking lousy decision away from destruction, jail, prison or death. It sucks that as his family we have to prepare ourselves for that awful phone call.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll continue my weekly Nar-Anon meetings and reaching out to others when I need to. Maybe after I'm done being pissed I'll have a good cry.

I wish love and strength to all of you in the same boat. I also wish the same to anyone struggling with addiction, I can only imagine your pain.

I just wish that I could wish it all away...